Grief, anger, depression

Quite the headline, eh?

I am turning 60 here in a few weeks and it has me a bit rattled. In my therapy session, I realized some of it is that I am mad at myself. Not for getting older, but because I had all these plans for the year—and I dropped the ball. Once I realized that it helped. I was so optimistic last year about my big milestone and had all these plans. The election took the wind out of all of us, and my optimism turned to dread and depression. Every single day is a fresh outrage and new assault on the poor, the weak, the disabled, the elderly, the children. Hard to find optimism in that landscape, and my plans turned from celebratory to “fuck it.”

With all that, however, I have actually enjoyed much of this new year and we have a lot of fun projects and concerts planned. Less travel, but some really cool stuff.

And, of course, besides turning 60, there is the ongoing unpacking of my evangelical past. Part of that grief and anger (and depression) is related to that. I am deeply angry at many of the conservatives from my youth. Furious, actually. Their response to my deconstruction has been a mixture of apathy, avoidance, and even gaslighting. I point out the same people who were apoplectic about Bills indiscretions now talk about not electing a pastor. Same people who lectured me about objective truth now talk about the ends justifying the means.

Worse, their response is often either to deny it. “No, we haven’t changed at all.” Or worse, telling me to my face that what I experienced in the church didn’t happen.

I am angry. They betrayed me. They caused my disillusion, but instead of taking responsibility (one of the values I learned), they look the other way.

Pisses me off. And my anger is justified.